We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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