i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my shit smells like andre
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
