Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
In America we eat man semen.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
