i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
