why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
