nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
