textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
