So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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