I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
