I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm sobbing to NWA
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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