my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
