dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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