considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
