I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
