can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
