Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
