I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
