i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
