Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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