textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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