The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
