please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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