I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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