so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
