He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
