Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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