Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
