my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
