Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
