You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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