but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
