i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
