My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
