why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
im six kinds of drunk right now
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
