i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
