R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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