Can i not drive my cunt home
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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