chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
