i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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