I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
