Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
