I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
