wat bout pragnant strippers??
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
