take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
