I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
