OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
