This is not my ceiling
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
