the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
