Someone shit on the floor
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Randomize
