I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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