your room smells of hookers.
And success
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
