New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
