dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
