tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
